Not Ready ‘Till I’m Ready

We took down the crib.  This was a topic we had discussed a few weeks ago, and at the time we decided we weren’t ready.  Brian’s sister offered to house Wyatt’s baby things in her finished storage unit.  I appreciated the offer and felt good that that is where we would put them, when the time felt right.

Over the past 102 days, Wyatt’s room has evolved.  Boxes and stacks surround his crib and as it transforms, I continue to shape the meaning of sharing space in front of me.  A room designed entirely for him has to now be something different.  It has to for my hearts sake, not because anyone or anything told me it had to and that is an important distinction to make.  The actions me and my husband are taking for our son and for us, are exactly that: beliefs and behaviors for us.  I am learning to trust what I need.

stacked and in transition

His room now houses my scrapbooking crafts and stationary boxes.  My hobbies are in the same closet as his cute little clothes and shoes.  His room also displays my books on his shelf: he gets two shelves and I get 2 shelves.  Novels, picture frames and collectibles spill into one another’s space, which I like.  This concept comforts me.  Would my darling boy be as organized and considerate as me, had he been able to live a full and long life?  I like to think so.

I don’t know where or when the idea of sharing space came to me, but it did and I feel God is the One who showed me how to do it.  Moving forward with my son is only possible with Him in my life.

Now, the crib.  The crib is different from any of his other furniture and is significant to me because it is one of the few things I got to participate in building.  At 6 months-ish pregnant, we video’d some cute messages and stopped and posed during set-up.  Me and Brian were smiling and happy while building that crib for Wyatt’s nursery.  It was so real, now.  We were going to have a baby!    

To me, taking down the crib means his room is no longer a nursery.  That is painful to say and hard to accept, but I am beginning to see his room differently and that’s okay.   We want to be in Wyatt’s room and with no seating, we are left to sit on the floor or stand idly for a few minutes, eventually leaving.  One of my favorite things to do in his room, is admire his dresser top.  I have favorite books, mementos, cards and photos; his angel baby box and healing candle sit there, too.

baby's dresser

I don’t want to leave when I don’t want to.  I loved being pregnant with Wyatt, I loved anticipating his arrival, I loved being around his things, and I still do.   

We began.  I slowly removed all the bedding, lifting each sheet and blanky up to my face before placing in a new clean box.  I untied the white mesh border and took my time feeling the fabric between my fingers.  Brian began to disassemble the crib and I held each screw as he handed them to me.  Finally, I propped up the crib sides against the wall and he gently placed a moving blanket over them.  We tucked everything in.  It was done.  We didn’t talk much during the process, and we each cried separately, on our own.

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We stood back and admired the new, open wall.  A possibility, an idea, an opportunity before us.  

bare wall

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